I Forgive Myself

Photo of “Smiley Face” by Cora Green on display at Hotel Preston in Nashville, Tennessee. 2020.

I forgive myself for not feeling all the time, for shutting down when the world gets too loud, too cold, too scary, too dark, too quiet, too red, too black, too white, too confusing.

I forgive myself for the harm I caused while I was growing into a new skin. I forgive myself for the negative things I said about others instead of addressing my issues with people head-on.

I forgive myself for the times I was afraid to speak up because I was more concerned with keeping the peace. I forgive myself for the times I did not prioritize my own internal peace. I forgive myself for the times I fawned in order to protect myself and my inner child.

I forgive myself for bottling in my anger and allowing it to seep out as toxic passive aggression. I forgive myself for not seeing my own pain. I forgive myself for thinking my pain was not worth holding or making space for. I forgive myself for fearing my own emotions, for not knowing what lay under the surface, and for being afraid to peek beneath.

I forgive myself for disliking my own appearance as a child, adolescent, and young adult.

I forgive myself for trusting in the light of people’s potential rather than the reality of their present. I forgive myself for loving people who could not love me wholly. I forgive myself for allowing other people’s needs to come before my own, for making space in my heart for others to find healing instead of extending that healing love to myself first.

I forgive myself for the times I didn’t show up for people I love. I forgive myself for the birthdays I missed. I forgive myself for saying the wrong things at the wrong time. I forgive myself for the friendships that faded because I could not maintain communication. I forgive myself for the relationships I outgrew and the relationships I walked away from.

I forgive myself for smiling when I wanted to roar. For laughing when I wanted to cry. For being strong when I wanted to crumple into a ball. I forgive myself for choosing silence over anger. I forgive myself for swallowing words that would’ve cut through to the truth. I forgive myself for saying yes when I wanted to say no. I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for all the times I showed up as a shielded version of myself in order to survive. I forgive myself for everything I had to do to survive in this body. I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for the ideas I internalized about what it means to be a woman—a woman of God. I forgive myself for the limitations I allowed to box me in from being my full, authentic self.

I forgive myself. I am deserving of forgiveness and I give this forgiveness to myself just as God has extended this forgiveness to me. There is nothing I can do that would ever make me undeserving of forgiveness and by extension—love.

I am worthy of love. I am worthy of new beginnings. I am worthy of forgiveness. I am worthy of grace and I extend this grace to myself in all areas of my life.

I love myself as God loves me.

I love myself.